I Know I'll Figure It Out, But Sometimes I Don't Want to Have To

On being the one everyone trusts to “figure it out” — and what it’s like when you’re tired of always having to.

“Oh, I don’t have to worry about you. I know you’ll be alright.”

“You’ve got this, if anyone can figure it out, it’s you.”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard these phrases, I’d be living a very luxurious work optional life. I’ve heard them so much that at one point I almost convinced myself that they were actually the compliment the sharer meant them to be.

Looking back I’m like, “girl what were you thinking.” (Honest answer, you weren’t. You were just trying to survive.)

We thank God for growth. Now, just writing the phrases cause my insides to cringe.

The problem with people seeing you as someone they “don’t have to worry about” is that it often erodes their perception of your humanity. They begin to view you as someone who somehow supersedes the rest of the world because you continue to thrive after enduring multiple trials that, in their mind, would destroy most people. The problem with this view is that it doesn’t account for the wounds that have been inflicted during the process. Nor does it account for the impact of those wounds.

What people seem to fundamentally misunderstand is that just because I continue to pick myself up repeatedly, it doesn’t mean that I’m not tired. It doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting. It doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to just give up.

Give Me A Chance To Feel The Feels

If you have or do say this people, I promise you it isn’t the compliment that you think it is.

When someone comes to you expressing their feelings or talking about a problem they have encountered, ask them what they need before offering anything.

Do you need someone to listen?

Are you looking for advice?

Or is it some combination of the two?

When you bypass this step and cut straight to… I know you’ll figure it out, you are not allowing space for the person to feel their feelings or express their needs. You jump them straight to problem solving mode.

Please worry about me though. A little bit.

Even if you think I’ve got it, please worry about me sometimes. Show up for me, like I show up for you is what I often find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.

And when I say show up for me like I show up for you, I’m not asking you to show up in the same way that I do. What I’m asking for is reciprocal effort.

The title of the “strong friend” is one I no longer wish to hold. The reliable friend, the authentic friend, the friend who listens, the friend who shows up, the friend who laughs with you, the friend who cries with you, the friend who calls you in, the friend who is a good friend because she wants to have good friend, yeah that’s more my speed. It took me quite a while to reach this point, but thank to my therapist I’m finally here. He said…

If you don’t honor your own boundaries, other people won’t feel the need to.

It was in that moment the light bulb came on, and I started allowing myself the space to feel the feels and to be a good friend as opposed to the strong friend.

And then God brought me something I never thought would come. A new friend. While I’ve known this person for quite a while because of our mom’s being friends, we never really connected. Spring of last year that all changed, and I’m beyond grateful that it did. I would share my challenges and he would just listen. Before offering any advice, thoughts etc he would ask what I needed. At first it really caught me off guard because I wasn’t used to it, but with time I have come to appreciate and value tha space he gives me. It has taught me two things…

I am indeed capable of figuring it out, but I do not have to figure it out alone.

When I ask for it, he will show up to help me figure it out and that has healed me in ways I didn’t realize I needed.

Show Up For Your People

If you’ve been blessed with someone who always shows up for you, please put in the effort to show up for them. Be their safe space just as they are for you. I promise, you and your relationship will be all the better for it.

Before you fix your mouth to say I know you’ll figure it out, ask them what it is they actually need in that moment. Give them the space to feel the feels and express before skipping to problem solving.

To the “strong friend…” Please allow yourself to put that title down if you wish to. Your people will still be your people and they will still love you. The people who walk away, let them. You value lies in who you are, not what you produce.

All my love,

Britt