Hey! You Seem Cool, Wanna Be My Friend?

“Hey, you seem cool, wanna be my friend?” On why making friends as an adult is so much harder than it should be.

Remember when we were little and making friends went something like…

“Hey, I like your outfit?”

“Thank you, I like yours too. Wanna be friends?”

And now you’ve got a bestie 4ever.

And even when y’all would fight, everyone made up in minutes and all was again right with the world.

If only it were still that easy.

That simple.

I’m here to say that maybe it can be.

I’m not saying that because it’s been OH SO EASY for me to make friends as an adult. If we are keeping it 100, the whole journey has been struggle bus adjacent, but my hope is that sharing what I’ve learned could help someone else’s journey be a little less struggly. I am blessed to have to of the most beautiful humans on the planet as my best friends, and I’m excited to share what they’ve taught me about adulting and friendship.

This beautiful human is my bestie Rachel. Didn’t realize it until I added these photos, but it looks like all we do is laugh, smile and paint. 😂 We absolutely do all of those things quite a lot, but we have also walked through some of the toughest times in our lives together, celebrated huge milestones and everything in between.

Even though I’ve only known her for 3 years, it seems like we’ve lived a million lifetimes and she has taught me so much about the beauty and the ease that comes with friendships that are aligned.

We met through a mutual friend who she was dating at the time. I still remember our very first brunch. I was riding home after and I whispered to God, I really like her and it would be so cool if we could become friends.

A few weeks later we were texting somewhat regularly and planning to meet up. Our very first friend date was pedicures and lunch with her mom lol. (October 9th, 2021) At first I was like dang maybe she doesn’t trust me since she feels like her mom has to be there as a buffer. 😂 For context, I was coming off of a very tough friendship breakup and a lot of ghosting by people I thought would be in my life for the long haul. Now I know that was super far from true, and it was just my own past creeping in with intrusive thoughts. Needless to say we had an amazing time and decided to prioritize hanging out at least once a month.

Do we hit that goal every month? ABSOLUTELY not lol. But what setting that goal has allowed us to do is prioritize checking in with each other regularly while crafting intentional time for phone calls and hangouts when we are able.

She has a laugh that makes me remember what joy feels like. A laugh where you can’t help but join in. She spreads kindness in a way that makes me remember the good in humanity. She encourages me in prayer and a love so deep that it shines light to my darkest places. She truly is the friend I didn’t know I needed, but am so glad I have.

This beautiful human is my bestie of over 15 years, Hassan. We met as babies fresh into college and have quite literally grown up together. If you would have told me that this super introvert girl and the guy who smiled at her from across the lawn when she knew not a soul would grow into two successful, fun loving, world travelers I would have done nothing but laugh.

That’s what friendship does though…it grows you and builds you up even when you least expect it.

Anyone who knows me knows, I will be your biggest cheerleader. But the question always come up of, well if you’re cheering everyone else on who is cheering for you….the answer…my best friend. He champions my ideas, dreams and goals while challenging me to be better, think bigger and stretch myself beyond what I believe to be possible.

He makes me feel super human all while making space for my humanity. He helps me not to take life to seriously and keeps me connected to my inner child who had to grow up way to fast. He is the reason I know that proximity is not a necessity for a healthy thriving relationship, but intentionality is.

Both of my best friends show up for me in all the ways I sometimes struggle to show up for myself. When I forget who I am they are quick to remind me and when I’m on some non-sense they correct me with love and honesty.

I say none of this to brag, but to give you hope that your people are out there. They really do exist. I know you’ve been through your fair share of friendship trials, but I promise it will be worth it.

Making friends as an adult really doesn’t have to be difficult, but it does require intentionality. I met both of my besties in very non-intentional ways, but the development of my relationship with them was anything but. (Especially because they both live in different cities than me.) The challenge with adulting and friendship is the work. In our younger years we make a lot of friends based on proximity. We meet people at school, church, extra-curricular activities etc.. These relationships tend to naturally flow because there is shared interest and you see these people often. However, once the proximity fades often times so does the relationship. For the relationship to thrive, intentionality has to replace proximity.

As I continue to grow in my friendship with each of them here are 4 lessons that I’ve learned.

• If you want someone to be friends with you, you have to show them YOU.

Authenticity and vulnerability are big buzz words nowadays, but they really are key in developing real friendships where you actually feel connected, seen, heard and valued. This is certainly easier said than done, but if done slowly over time it can be extremely rewarding.

• If you wish to attract good friends, you have to be a good friend.

I realize this may come across as reductive, but hear me out. Often times we don’t think about how we define “friend” or the implications that may have on how we show up as a friend to others. Take some to think about what characteristics and qualities make someone a good friend while also taking an honest look at whether or not you are able to be the kind of friend you are expecting from others.

• Learn to meet people where they are and move accordingly.

I am a person who is often early for everything…my besties however noooot so much lol. They and their beautiful ADHD brains be struuugling, so I adapt lol. When we make plans I always add cushion time. I call when I know they are getting ready because if we are talking while they are doing it they are more likely to stay on task. If it is something we ABSOLUTELY have to be on time for, I make sure we are together at least an hour before we have to be there. This way I know we will be on time. Meet people where they are and move accordingly.

• Seek people who share the similar values, goals and aspirations

Both of my besties strive every day to leave the world better than they have found it. They value personal growth and live every day to the fullest. The value alignment allows us to walk the journey together and hold each other accountable.

Friendship doesn’t have to be hard or stressful. It should bring peace, joy and ease. Get clear about what “friend” means to you and how that informs how you show up for others. Open your heart and be receptive to getting to know people and allowing them to know you. Don’t be afraid to be the “Hey I think you’re cool, lets be friends.” friend.