Don't Ask the Question Unless You Want the Real Answer

Don’t ask the question unless you’re ready for the real answer — and once you have it, don’t be afraid to rewrite your story.

When are you having a baby?

You know you’re not getting any younger.

What is it that you are waiting on?

Do you know how many women are dying to be mothers but can’t?

No one is ever really ready to be a parent.

It’s awfully selfish of you to choose not to have a baby.

All of our kids will be grown by the time you decide to have some, they will be so lonely.

Do you really wanna be 40 with a kid in kindergarten?

I’ve been fielding statements and questions like these since I was 26, (I’m now 34.) and honestly it’s just as frustrating now as it was then. It’s frustrating because one, when or if I decide to have children is no one’s business but my own, and two most people who asks this are not interested in my honest answer.

For a while, I didn’t know my honest answer because I was so lost in the sauce of who I was supposed to be. I allowed myself to buy into the lie that my story was already written, and I had no power to change it. I convinced myself that eventually happiness would come. I’d get married, work a few years, pop out some babies and become a stay at home mom until everyone was off on their own journeys and then focus on myself and who I really want to be.

If you know me in real life you understand why this whole notion is ridiculous 😂 Please don’t misunderstand this as a slight to any person who has chosen that path, but it is NOT for me.

Once I was able to admit to myself that the title of mom wasn’t one I was sure I ever want to hold, I had to start digging into why.

Was I really selfish like some claim?

Was it a feeling of deep seeded inadequacy?

Was it a fear of being a terrible parent?

Fear of losing myself in yet another role life demanded of me?

It was something my therapist said in a completely unrelated conversation that made me realize the answer. I was explaining to him that sometimes I get tired of being responsible, being the person who looks out for everyone, making sure the plans stay on track and that everyone has what they need. I was telling him that sometimes I get tired of being, well…ME.

He said…

You’ve been taking care of everyone since you understood the concept of what it means to look out for the people you love. You became an adult without the opportunity to experience what it means to be a child. Of course you’re tired especially because it often meant no one was looking out for you.

It was in that moment that I realized why I may not ever want to hold the title of mom. I’d been forced into the role of a caretaker without choice well before I was equipped to handle it.

When your parents have you, and they are still children, you all grow up together and often times the child becomes the adult while their parents are still trying to figure it out.

(And this is not me placing blame on my parents. I truly believe they did the best they could with what they knew as first time parents who were still teenagers. This is me recognizing that whether we choose to deal with it or not our life experiences shape who we become.)

One of the issues with taking on adult roles as a kid is that no one teaches you about boundaries nor are you educated in the nuance of balancing your needs with the needs of everyone else. This is the perfect recipe to become an adult who struggles to simply identify, let alone communicate their wants and needs while also balancing healthily showing up for the people they love.

In my case, it produced an adult who tried to smoosh herself into identities assigned to her by other people to avoid letting anyone down. She also very much struggles not only to verbalize her wants and needs, but to truly believe that those wants and needs deserve to be met. She would do anything for the people she loves, which without proper boundaries is a recipe for utter chaos. It’s like opening Pandora’s box without realizing the lengths you will have to go to, to close it. (It’s a lesson I’m currently learning and 😫*.…this box feels next to impossible to close.)*

As frustrating as it is to be constantly asked about such a personal decision like having children, I am in some ways grateful that people asked. It allowed me to not only begin to heal wounds I didn’t even know I had, but it gave me the space to realize that I could indeed write my own story.

In today’s version of my story I get to be a dog mom to cuddliest, kindest fluffball goldendoodle girl. I get to be a woman who shows up for the people she loves, while also being a woman who shows up equally for herself. In today’s version of my story maybe I’ll become a mom in an unconventional way, who knows. But the one thing I know for sure is that the story is actively being written, which means I can change it whenever I so choose.

If you’re struggling with breaking out of the boxes of shoulds and expectations, this is my offering to you to take this space to get honest about what it is that you really want. You are the only person who has to live through your life, you deserve to live inside of one that you truly love.

All my love,

Britt